Editor's note: Editor's note: Each week in "Apparently This Matters," CNN's Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the Internet.
(CNN) -- Every now and then, a singular piece of fashion comes along that absolutely changes the history of the world. Pants come to mind. So far, I'm unimpressed.
But this week, it seemed like the internet went crazy over one particular jacket. And, amazingly, it isn't even made out of kittens. Or "Twilight" books. Or Katy Perry.
What makes the Hug Me jacket so unique is that, despite the lovable name, it sort of looks like you're being abducted from behind by a giant green alien. Some of you kinky fools call that roleplay. No judgment. That's your business.
You see, the jacket gets its name from a rather comical set of stuffed hands that fasten it closed in the front. To be more precise, it's actually five sets of hands that wrap around the body, in effect hugging the wearer. Hence the name.
Chan asks of his design, "Everybody needs love, don't they?"
To which I cried in a corner while listening to The Smiths.
But, yes, I suppose everyone does need love. And that's why the recent graduate of London's College of Fashion created the Hug Me jacket. Though, to be fair, it's actually more of a parka. It's really big. It's really puffy. It's really warm. You could probably even wear it to Everest base camp.
Sir Edmund Hillary's ghost would come down and beat you senseless with a crampon, but you could wear it.
Chan hopes to get his amazing big green prototype onto the market by this winter with a price point of about $1,200. Which is a lot of money for a hug. And, at least to me, a lot of money for a jacket. Especially since I recently dry-heaved for an hour after dropping $200 on a new one.
My friends Marissa and "Big Chill" are getting married next weekend, and I figured I needed a nice sports coat to wear to the rehearsal, something that doesn't say Mountain Hardware on it or otherwise suggest exploring a cave after dinner.
Unfortunately, I know almost less than nothing about fashion. Really, the extent of my knowledge is that I should match my shoes and my belt. Beyond that, I'm fairly certain flip-flops and a Grateful Dead t-shirt work for most every occasion.
"It was a lovely funeral. I'm so sorry for your loss, senator."
Sadly, this venture for a new coat ultimately resulted in a trip to the mall. And I loathe the mall. In fact, if I had to list the top three places I hate in the world -- which I guess I don't, but I will -- the mall would fall right at No. 2, between any amusement park and La Guardia.
But this had to be done. To another part of town. To the mall. To some fancy little store with nice clothes and ambient house music. To a pretty sales lady cheerfully tending to my needs.
"Sir, you can't just lie here in the fetal position."
After trying on a few jackets -- none of which being suitable for kinky, 10-handed alien roleplay -- I set off for Nordstrom on the advice of my friend Allyson. (Dramatic pause.) Allyson is no longer allowed to give me advice.
Big mistake. Big. Huge.
Apparently, the starting price for everything in Nordstrom is: mortgage. Needless to say, my wallet never left my pants. But the bigger takeaway: I was actually wearing pants.
Nevertheless, I did learn a lot from the clerk. For example, I was, in fact, shopping for a blazer. Not a sports coat. A blazer, according this rather dapper man who absolutely hated my guts, is a solid-colored jacket that comes in black, gray or navy. A sports coat can be other colors and is textured and less formal.
Either way, blazer or sports coat, for at least one night next weekend, I'm going to wear my purchase with nice jeans, a crisp button-down shirt and maybe a bolo tie because I'm pathetically starved for attention and, well, LOOK AT ME!!!
So, after all my searching, I finally settled on a handsome navy blazer from Zara. It does have very slight pinstripes, which are currently consuming my ability to breathe, for I'm not sure if it technically counts as a blazer, a sports coat or a suit jacket.
What have I done?
And if it wasn't stressful enough, I offer you a follow up concern: My friends Emmalee and Kevin are getting married two weekends later. Can I get away with the same coat for their rehearsal dinner? I'm pretty sure the rules are (unfairly) different for men than for women, but, regardless, it's going to happen. The jacket is coming out.
Anyway, it's all very confusing for someone like me who was apparently raised by wolves, and right now I could really use a hug. Or maybe just some kinky, 10-handed alien roleplay.
Everybody needs love, don't they?