Skip to main content
ASK AN EXPERT
Got a question about a health story in the news or a health topic? Here's your chance to get an answer. Send us your questions about general health topics, diet and fitness and mental health. If your question is chosen, it could be featured on CNN.com's health page with an answer from one of our health experts, or by a participant in the CNNhealth community.




* CNN encourages you to contribute a question. By submitting a question, you agree to the following terms found below.
You may not post any unlawful, threatening, libelous, defamatory, obscene, pornographic or other material that would violate the law. By submitting your question, you hereby give CNN the right, but not the obligation, to post, air, edit, exhibit, telecast, cablecast, webcast, re-use, publish, reproduce, use, license, print, distribute or otherwise use your questions(s) and accompanying personal identifying and other information you provide via all forms of media now known or hereafter devised, worldwide, in perpetuity. CNN Privacy Statment.
Thank you for your question!

It will be reviewed and considered for posting on CNNHealth.com. Questions and comments are moderated by CNN and will not appear until after they have been reviewed and approved. Unfortunately, because of the voume of questions we receive, not all can be posted.

Submit another question or Go back to CNNHealth.com

Read answers from our experts: Living Well | Diet & Fitness | Mental Health | Conditions

Expert Q&A

The pregnancy of friends is making me depressed

Asked by Cathy, California

Open quote
Close quote

I have been having infertility issues for over three years (including many failed IVFs, and miscarriages). Over the last year, I have had good friend after good friend announce her pregnancy. Literally, at least one per month. I am happy for them because I care for them, but each time I hear those words it hurts worse and worse. When I am around them they talk mommy-talk (as they should) but being around them just throws me into depression. I'm afraid to even see my other girlfriends who are "trying" because I know at any second they'll have "good news." How can I be supportive of them while protecting my heart, emotions and mental health?

Expert Bio Picture

Mental Health Expert Dr. Charles Raison Psychiatrist,
Emory University Medical School

Expert answer

Dear Cathy,

You are in a tough situation, but you have a couple of important things going for you. The first is that you recognize clearly the link between your depression and the joy of others. What's important is that you don't just feel badly that your friends are able to get pregnant, but that you feel badly about feeling badly. You are bothered that you are not able to share their joy. This puts you in a very workable situation. It would be much worse if you did not recognize the role that envy is playing in your current emotional symptoms.

Let's set aside the pregnancy issue for a moment and talk about envy. It's not a subject we like to talk about much, because it is embarrassing. In fact, the sensation of envy is one of life's most painful feelings and has been linked time and again in studies to a risk for depression. In fact, some evolutionary psychologists think that a major cause for the increase in depression in the modern world is the fact that we are exposed by the media to the best of everything. Back in tribal times, when people knew 100 to 200 people during their entire lives, it was very likely that nearly everyone was the best -- or almost the best -- at something. Nowadays, we are bombarded constantly by images of people who are the best in the world, so we are constantly burdened with a sense that we are mediocre at everything -- even if we are talented.

It is a natural human tendency to want to recoil from situations that cause us pain. In your case this has led to you wanting to avoid anyone and anything that might become associated with achieving what you so desire, but have been unable to accomplish. This is completely understandable, but it is exactly the wrong strategy if you want to solve your problem. Instead of running from what causes us pain, therapeutic treatments usually involve us going directly into our fears. If germs give you the willies, a therapist will have you stick your hands in dirt for an hour. If you are afraid of flying, a therapist will put you on a plane. In each of these instances, a therapist will help the patient gradually work up to these accomplishments, but the way is clear: not away from the pain and fear, but into it.

So in your case I strongly recommend that you do exactly the opposite of what you have been doing. Make a choice to become as active as you can in the lives of your friends and their children. Go with them if you can on their prenatal visits. Every time you feel that twinge of pain, go toward it. Tell yourself that it is completely understandable. Let yourself feel bad about your situation, but don't beat yourself up about feelings of envy or upset. The trick is to become active against these feelings. So when they arise, go out and deal with them by consciously choosing to get as close to the happiness of others as you can. At first this will be difficult, but it will become easier and easier with the passage of time, and as it becomes easier your unhappiness will lift.

So, one important strength that you have is recognizing that envy is making you miserable. Your second strength is more physiological. If you have had miscarriages, this means that you and your partner are capable of fertilizing an egg. Part of what will help you, if you follow my advice about going toward the happiness of your friends, is that it requires action, and taking action against our problems is probably the single most powerful thing we can do for ourselves. In your case, if you've had the financial resources to go through multiple in vitro fertilization (IVF) procedures, you may have the means to consider working with a surrogate as a way of being able to have a child that is genetically yours. The odds of a successful outcome for someone like you would be very high. And by the way, I know what I'm talking about here: My wife and I have two beautiful baby boys born by surrogate; this after my wife nearly died from complications while pregnant herself.

More Q&A

  • CNN's Medical UnitCNN's medical unit brings you the best experts available to answer your questions about current events and health issues that matter most to you.
Expert: Did 'Kony' director have 'manic episode?'asked by: By Dr. Charles Raison, Special to CNN; (CNN)
Do homeopathic treatments for ADHD work?asked by: Asked by Suzie;
Are mood swings a sign of depression?asked by: Asked by Jeffery T. Johnson; San Diego, California

CNN Comment Policy: CNN encourages you to add a comment to this discussion. You may not post any unlawful, threatening, defamatory, obscene, pornographic or other material that would violate the law. All comments should be relevant to the topic and remain respectful of other authors and commenters. You are solely responsible for your own comments, the consequences of posting those comments, and the consequences of any reliance by you on the comments of others. By submitting your comment, you hereby give CNN the right, but not the obligation, to post, air, edit, exhibit, telecast, cablecast, webcast, re-use, publish, reproduce, use, license, print, distribute or otherwise use your comment(s) and accompanying personal identifying and other information you provide via all forms of media now known or hereafter devised, worldwide, in perpetuity. CNN Privacy Statement.

The information contained on this page does not and is not intended to convey medical advice. CNN is not responsible for any actions or inaction on your part based on the information that is presented here. Please consult a physician or medical professional for personal medical advice or treatment.